


split this yearning open

by rushvalleys



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Mutual Pining, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 5 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24240928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rushvalleys/pseuds/rushvalleys
Summary: Her first night on the ship, Adora watches Catra sleep. She charts the gentle tug up and down of her chest, stares at what once was impossible to want, forbidden from her reach.She sits on the edge of Catra’s cot. Adora reaches out to trace the collar of her uniform, the white stained throughout with specks of blood and dirt.  She rakes a gentle hand through Catra’s hair, the cut rough and ragged. She goes to cradle Catra’s face like she had on Horde Prime’s ship, to run a thumb across the sharp line of her jaw—She stops. Maybe some things are still forbidden.*Adora, relearning Catra, and Catra learning to heal.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 1704





	split this yearning open

**Author's Note:**

> gonna be real with you all, i have no idea what i wrote but i just wanted to churn something out because i've never had a show live rent free in my mind the way that she-ra season 5 does.
> 
> catradora canon babey!!!!

> "what if I split this yearning open and held it to the light? I doubt either of us would
> 
> survive that kind of truth. / that breath right there, the seventh shot, all this love, all this love,
> 
> do you see it now?" - **Natalie Lim, _how do you tell someone you've written a poem about them?_**

> Journeys end in lovers meeting / Every wise man's son doth know. - **William Shakespeare, _Twelfth Night, Act II Scene III_**

Her first night on the ship, Adora watches Catra sleep. She charts the gentle tug up and down of her chest, stares at what once was impossible to want, forbidden from her reach. 

She sits on the edge of Catra’s cot. Adora reaches out to trace the collar of her uniform, the white stained throughout with specks of blood and dirt. She rakes a gentle hand through Catra’s hair, the cut rough and ragged. She goes to cradle Catra’s face like she had on Horde Prime’s ship, to run a thumb across the sharp line of her jaw—

She stops. Maybe some things are still forbidden. 

Her hand is slapped away. Adora stares at it in shock until she hears Catra’s anguished cry beside her. Catra thrashes awake, groaning and gripping at the sides of her head.

Adora stands and rushes to pry Catra’s hands away from her face, a grip on Catra’s wrists.

“Adora?”

Catra’s eyes are wide. Her body trembles. Her ears stick down pin-straight to the sides of her head.

“I’m here,” Adora says. “What do you need?”

*

“How long has it been since you’ve eaten?” Adora asks. 

They sit in the ship kitchen as Catra wolfs down one, two packs of rations, stopping intermittently to gulp down a glass of water, desperate as if her food would be taken away from her at any moment. Adora says hardly anything, filling her cup when it’s empty and returning to her side.

“I can’t remember.” Catra wipes the corner of her mouth with the heel of her hand. “I can’t -”

Catra clutches her hands to her head again. She grunts, shaking her head and baring her teeth and crying out and -

Adora grabs her by the shoulders. “Catra!”

Catra gasps. Her eyes jolt open and she pants loudly, her claws unsheathing and retracting, back and forth.

“I can’t remember anything after I freed Glimmer,” Catra chokes out. “I tried to and it just - there’s nothing but flashes.” Catra looks down. Adora watches her breath stops short, the quick tug upward of her chest. 

Catra's hands circle her neck. She tugs at the collar of her shirt like it's choking her. “I need to get this off of me.”

“Oh,” Adora says. “Okay. Bow has some of your clothes - he found them as we were looking for you.”

“He packed me a bag.” Catra snorts. “Off of Horde Prime’s ship?”

“He wanted you to be comfortable." 

"Comfortable." 

"It wouldn’t kill to be a little bit grateful, you know,” Adora says. 

“Grateful for what? You and your stupid hero complex?”

Catra scowls. She shrugs Adora’s hands off her shoulders. 

“Adora,” she snaps, a venom in her words Adora doesn’t expect, “you really think I can be  _ comfortable _ here?”

  
  


*

After she eats and changes into her pajamas, Catra sleeps for one, maybe two days. Adora tries not to manifest her worry anywhere but in her mind, but - Adora being  _ Adora _ \- she fails.

“Her body was taken over.” Glimmer tugs on Adora’s wrist as she paces the main cabin. “It’s going to take her some time to recover.”

“We can’t go off-ship until she wakes up,” Adora says sternly. “What if she’s too weak to walk and she needs something? What if Horde Prime hurt her?” Adora’s breath comes up short. Her chest tightens, the heavy weight traveling up to her throat. “What if...what if she’s still dangerous?” Adora sighs. “It’s just...she saved us. I want to believe there’s some good in her, but…I’ve been wrong before.”

“Whatever you need, Adora,” Glimmer says. She leads Adora to the pilot's chair, and Adora sits. She buries her face in her hands. “We can lay low for right now.”

“But not forever,” Bow says. He’s kneeled over the console, the planetary map blinking up at him. “Look, I want Catra to heal up, too, but we’re kind of on a race against the clock.”

“I -” Adora falters. “I know.”

That’s nothing she hasn’t thought about before. It feels almost selfish to derail their plans any longer than they have already - but it’s not for her. It’s for Catra - it’s to save Catra, and that has to count for something, right? 

“Hey,” Glimmer says. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”

“And if we have to leave the ship,” Bow adds. “One of us will stay with her.”

“We’re here for you, Adora.” Glimmer gives Adora’s hand a squeeze. 

Adora smiles. She won’t ask it, but she’s dying to know how Bow and Glimmer feel about all this. Catra hurt them, too, after all - she hurt Glimmer in ways Adora can’t even begin to comprehend. But then she saved her. But the two don’t cancel out, not in Adora’s mind and definitely not in Glimmer's.

She doesn’t expect them to forgive Catra - she’s not sure if she has yet, after all. But she’s glad that Catra is here safe nonetheless.

“Thanks, guys.”

*

The next time Catra wakes, she’s quiet about it. Adora doesn’t catch her until she stumbles upon her in the kitchen midday.

Catra’s got an armful of ration packs, enough for days. She scowls when Adora meets her eyes.

Adora frowns. “You don’t have to hoard them, you know.”

Catra doesn’t say anything.

“I was just coming to get us all lunch. You can eat with us,” Adora tries again. “You don’t have to hole up in your room.”

Catra narrows her eyes, and her expression is unreadable. There’s the trembling lip of remorse, the furrowed brow of frustration. The memory of an apology but not yet an understanding between them.

Catra shrugs. “I want to be alone.”

She doesn’t give Adora the chance to say anything else before bolting out the door.

*

Adora had forgotten how exhausting She-Ra could be. But before she collapses on the floor of the main cabin with Bow, she drags herself to Catra’s room. It had been a long day for her, too, after all. 

Catra sits with her knees curled to her chest on her cot, tail dragging from side to side on the mattress behind her.

“She-Ra’s got new hair,” Catra says. 

“You like it?” 

“The poof’s a little dumb," Catra mumbles. "But it’s nice I guess."

Adora sits next to her, nudging her with her shoulder as she settles in. Catra’s tail behind her stops its movement abruptly.

“I know you want to be alone,” Adora says. “I know it’s gonna take some time for us to trust each other.” Adora takes one of Catra’s hands in her own. “But thank you. For helping us today.”

Catra offers her a small smile in response. 

Adora isn’t sure if something’s changed - from their heated words before, from Catra grasping her hand and pleading with her to stay as she pored through Horde Prime’s memories. She hopes, at least, that something has shifted, that a dam has been breached.

Catra hangs her head. “We haven’t been fair to each other, have we? Not just on the ship. Like, our entire lives.”

“No, we haven’t.”

“I know I said sorry,” Catra’s ears flatten. “But I couldn’t have meant it. There’s just so  _ much _ .”

“Did you want to mean it?” Adora asks.

Catra looks up. Her face softens. “Yeah.” She sighs. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m working on it. On really being sorry, whatever that means.”

“Me too,” Adora says. And then she adds quietly: “If you’re feeling up to it, Glimmer’s cooking dinner. You should come eat.”

Catra smirks. “Glimmer cooks?”

“No, she doesn’t,” Adora giggles with her, “so you might even get something to make fun of her for out of it.”

“I’ll think about it. But only because I can’t pass up a chance to make fun of Sparkles.”

Catra comes to dinner. And Bow and Glimmer make room in their circle for her. And for a second, Adora’s heart feels so full she can barely contain it. 

  
  


*

The latch to Adora’s door swings open, and Adora reaches numbly for - for nothing. For her sword that doesn’t exist anymore. Not like it used to, anyway.

A hooded figure stands in the door. It shakes.

“Adora?”

It’s a familiar voice—obviously, she realizes. There’s no way to infiltrate a ship floating in the middle of nowhere, at least not without activating some security contraption Entrapta has set up, so the gasp she lets out is nothing more than a silly reflex.

Adora lets out a deep breath, sitting up in her bed. 

“Catra,” Adora exhales, “you scared me.”

Adora’s eyes adjust to the dark and can seek out Catra now, standing with her blanket thrown over her head like a cloak with her arms crossed, hugging herself. Adora gets up coax her from the doorway to sit down on the bed.

“Are you still getting flashes?” Adora asks.

“No.” Catra shakes her head. “Just...you know. Dreams.”

Adora pries Catra’s hands away from where they grip her elbows. She gently lifts the blanket from over Catra’s head. Adora pulls Catra into a hug, because she  _ can _ , because that’s allowed now between them.

“You can stay here if you want,” Adora offers. "I get them, too."

Catra nods. She takes Adora’s hand and pulls her down with her, and Adora settles with an arm looped around Catra’s waist, Adora's body against Catra's back, holding her close. She feels Catra’s purr more than she hears it, its vibrations trembling through Catra to where Adora's body touches hers.

“We can talk about it,” Adora says, “if you want.”

Catra’s head rocks against the pillow. She takes it as a no.

They lie in silence for a moment. Then Catra says quietly, “I know she hurt you too. Shadow Weaver.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t get it. I’m -”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing to me every time you think of something new,” Adora chuckles. “You just have to act like it.”

Catra turns around to face Adora. Adora brings her hand to cup Catra’s face, and Catra leans into her touch. 

“I can make sure she stays away from you back home,” Adora says, and then she winces. She knows how it sounds, how it reverts them back to people they aren’t anymore, how Catra hates to feel weak. How Adora found Catra stripped of everything she was and brought her home, and in another life Catra would never forgive her for it.

Instead, Catra only says, “Thanks.”

*

“I like your hair,” Adora says one morning. Catra is just waking up, her hair messy and tousled. Adora can’t help to stare at how different it looks, how different Catra looks without her mask. Without the anger. She looks freer somehow, like she'd shed some of the weight of the last few years.

“I don’t.”

Adora frowns. “Is it because -”

“ _ He _ gave it to me?” Catra asks bitterly, and Adora nods. “Yeah.”

Adora says nothing, only places her hand over Catra’s. Catra sighs.

“You know,” Catra says, “I always wanted to just...I don’t know, hack it all off. It always got in the way. It was always so matted.”

“You just had to brush it,” Adora says with a laugh. “You never let me.”

“It always hurt when you did it. You’re not, like, gentle, you know.”

Adora folds her arms across her chest. “Well, I think you look nice.”

Catra rubs the back of her neck with one hand. Adora can see her cheeks go red. “Thanks.” She coughs. “Anyway, is Bow making breakfast again?”

“Actually, yeah,” Adora answers. “We found more of those rolls you like.”

Catra blinks. She watches Catra think about... _ something _ . Maybe that Bow takes her into consideration now, that she’s a friend and not a liability living in their ship.

Catra smirks. “Race you to the kitchen.”

*

“So,” Catra says, perched on one armrest of the pilot’s chair. “Got any embarrassing Adora stories?”

Adora groans. “Catra!”

Catra sticks her tongue out at Adora before looking back to Glimmer. “We can trade, Sparkles.”

Glimmer laughs. She sits on the other armrest, Adora perched in the chair, an arm laid across Catra’s lap. 

“Let’s see,” Glimmer rests her hand underneath her chin. “One time she jumped straight into quicksand.”

“Because you fell in first!”

“Yeah, but I can teleport,” Glimmer says. “You, on the other hand? You’re not exactly the most…”

“Intelligent?” Catra guesses.

“I was gonna say graceful,” Glimmer holds her hands up in surrender as Adora scoffs in protest. “Your words, not mine.” Glimmer raises an eyebrow toward Catra. “Your turn, Horde scum.”

Catra crinkles her nose. She always did - does - that, Adora recalls, when she’s thinking, and Adora can’t help but smile to herself at how normal it all feels. Catra and Glimmer laughing, exchanging stories, even if they’re at Adora’s detriment. 

Adora stifles a gasp when she feels Catra’s hand come to meet Adora’s, dangling off Catra’s lap. Catra’s fingers ghost hers, the blunted tip of her claws dragging across her palm and moving toward the back of her hand.

Catra smiles. “Adora gave herself bangs as a kid. They were absolutely awful.”

“Not the bangs one,” Adora whines. “That one still hurts.”

“Wait, Adora had bangs?” Glimmer perks up. “Please tell me there are pictures.”

“Yeah, because the Horde gives all its cadets cameras,” Catra says sarcastically. She places her palm over Adora’s forehead. “I’ll give you a visual, use your imagination.”

"Hey!"

Adora swats Catra’s hand away as she and Glimmer laugh. She catches Catra’s wrist and, before she loses her nerve to do so, twines their fingers together. She squeezes Catra’s hand, cheeks red and flushed. She doesn’t work up the nerve to look at Catra’s face, but Catra squeezes back.

“Catra decapitated a mouse when we were cadets and left it in my shoe.”

“Adora!” Catra shrieks.

“I can still smell it sometimes, it was that gross.”

“Ugh,” Catra groans, drowning out Glimmer’s giggles. “You’re the worst.”

Adora sticks her tongue out at Catra. Catra rolls her eyes, but she smiles back at her.

  
  


*

The journey back to Etheria passes in a whirlwind, and the day weighs on Adora all at once. As soon as she’s given a bed, she can’t blink away the heaviness in her eyes or ignore the fatigue set deep in her bones. 

She drops her cot down in a corner of the fortress and, almost immediately, Catra is setting hers down beside Adora, Melog trailing behind. Adora smiles as Catra sits on her mattress next to her. Her tail drags back and forth on the mattress, a pendulum’s swing. She hugs her knees to her chest.

Catra stares ahead at - nothing, really. There’s not much in the fortress to stare at, only crates of supplies and makeshift scrolls filled with battle plans and schematics scattered about. Melog beside her is cowering, resting on Catra’s feet.

“What’s up?”

Catra shakes her head. “Nothing.”

“Come on,” Adora says. “I know you. Something’s up.” 

Catra sighs. She sprawls out on her mattress, slinging an arm over her eyes. Melog mewls as they readjust and curls up at the end of the cot. “This is all just a lot, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, being with the Rebellion. Making people trust me. I -” Here Catra looks to her, the helpless, wide-eyed stare she gave cornered in her room aboard Mara’s ship, forced to meet Entrapta face to face. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Well, you made some progress with Netossa today, right?” Adora says. “I saw you guys going over her notes.”

“Her weird graph about all of our weaknesses?” Catra snorts. “She added some notes to it, by the way.” Adora raises an eyebrow. Catra continues. “For me it’s water, and, in her words,” she says under her breath, “my ‘victim complex’ and ‘deep-set abandonment issues.’”

Adora frowns. She reaches out to pry Catra’s arm away from her face. She leans over her now, shifting her weight from her mattress to Catra’s to lie next to Catra. 

Catra looks back up at her with a smirk. “She didn’t read this part to you earlier, but she wrote months ago that you get, also her words, ‘flustered and distracted when fighting against Catra.’”

Adora’s cheeks flush. “Uh - hm.”

“I get the feeling you like me, princess,” Catra teases. 

“Only a little.” 

“That's embarrassing for you,” Catra says. “But...yeah. Netossa’s cool, I guess.”

Adora shifts her weight again. She nestles herself against Catra’s neck, her forehead resting on her shoulder.

“See? You’ll win them over. And when this is all over and we can get back to Bright Moon -” Catra hisses. Adora cuts herself off, lifting her head to look at Catra once more. “What?”

“Do you really think Bright Moon would take me? You know, after all this?”

Catra’s voice sounds so small - it’s sounded like that so many times over the past month or so, so many times across both their lifetimes, but the sound is still foreign. Unfamiliar. She’s not used to Catra anymore, to hearing her soft and vulnerable, she only knows her anymore as hard and untouchable. 

“Of course they will,” Adora smiles. “And if anyone has a problem with you being there, they’ll have to answer to me.”

“Wonderful. The almighty She-Ra is my bodyguard.”

“You like it.”

“Do not,” Catra says, but Melog’s purr at Adora’s feet betrays her. “Fine. Maybe a little.”

*

Before they even return to Bright Moon, Glimmer orders for a celebration. They’ve earned it, after all - a world saved, an evil warlord bested.

Adora had read the books by Glimmer’s nightstand, had listened to the princesses’ favorite love stories late at night in the castle, or over their fire at the Rebellion base. They all end the same: the hero wins, it’s love that triumphs over evil, the hero gets the girl. She’d never let herself hope, never  _ wanted _ to hope for all that, but somehow she finds herself now sitting on the outskirts of their makeshift festival, resting her forehead against Catra’s.

“We can join them, you know,” Adora says softly. “I think Bow’s about to start playing his guitar.”

Catra laughs. “Bow plays guitar?”

“‘Play’ is a liberal term, but hey, it’s music.” Adora says. “Dance with me?”

“I don’t know,” Catra clicks her tongue. “I didn’t bring any explosives this time, so where’s the fun?”

Adora rolls her eyes. “You’re a piece of work, you know that?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t love it.” Catra grins a big, triumphant grin, and Adora can’t argue with that. “One thing before we go, though.”

Adora takes a breath as Catra cradles her face with one hand, and Adora’s hands find Catra’s waist. Catra presses her lips to hers, and somehow it still feels like the first time, like the world is burning around them but Catra is the only solid thing, the only important thing. 

If Adora thinks about it too long, too hard, the weight of it all frightens her. A love that swallows the universe whole and recreates it better than she left it is in her grasp, all hers for the taking. She’s earned it. And even if she didn’t earn it, she deserves it. And if she doesn’t believe it, Catra or Bow or Glimmer - or even Mara, in visions - will remind her again and again until she does. 

It all used to feel like drowning - like something forbidden. Like if she allowed herself to want, she would break the wall of composure keeping her tied to the earth. But it’s not that, not any of that that keeps her here now.

Catra pulls away. She smiles. “Ready to get out there?”

Catra extends her hand, and Adora takes it. She laces their fingers together.

“I’m ready.”

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter/tumblr @ rushvalleys


End file.
